I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
