never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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