i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
