Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
