You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
