I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
