best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
