you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
