I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is my gift to your gina
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We need to get me chipped asap
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