I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I checked into jail on foursquare
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
