You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
