I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
