I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
