I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
