My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
