I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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