he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
