You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
