I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
