thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
