Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
