Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
