so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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