remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
