we have pet lesbian snakes
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
