She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
