Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
