...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
