I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Enjoy the penises
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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