I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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