Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
