New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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