I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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