Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
