I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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