You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
