Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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