Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
