Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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