I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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