Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
