I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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