I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
