we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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