Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
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I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
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After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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