is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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