so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
