Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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