That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
