He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
