I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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