just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
