But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
