its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
