There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
