Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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