who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
