I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
