My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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