I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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