I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
