i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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